The Westlake Pirates

Then, above the growly din of painful moans, a shrill voice pierced the steamy night air: "This looks like a job for Borax Boy and Tea Tree Oil Girl! Yaarrrrrrr! Quick-- the Pirate Signal!" One of the few remaining townspeople crawled to the old West tower, pulled himself up the stone steps, and flipped the switch on the enormous searchlight before tumbling to his knees and taking his last earthly breath. Pointed toward the heavens, the bright beacon of the Jolly Roger lit a slice of hope in the Seattle night sky.

Borax Boy and Tea Tree Girl saw the signal and sprang into action. "What is it, Borax Boy?" Tea Tree Girl exclaimed.

"It looks like some sort of -- MOLD! And it seems to be coming from Lake Union!" Tea Tree Girl jumped into her superhero Birkenstocks and grabbed her organic cotton bag, which contained her Encyclopedia of Natural Healing and the source of her Magic Powers. She bounded out the door, Borax Boy right behind her, his box cutter knife in one hand and his tiny laptop with wireless Internet access in the other. "We've got to save them, Tea Tree, before it's too late!" She leaped onto her purple biodiesel Vespa and peeled out onto I5. Borax Boy and his 20 Mule Team followed on her heels.

Into the night our superheroes speeded, the dark, moldy cloud lifting up from West Lake Union their guide. As they neared the Fremont Bridge, the mold grew so thick they could barely see, and it began to fill their throats and lungs. Above the China Harbor restaurant, the mold became so thick that it was impossible to see the lake. "It seems to be coming from the China Sun Marina, Tea Tree!" They parked the purple biodiesel Vespa and the 20 Mule Team on the sidewalk and dashed behind the restaurant and through the Marina gate. (They remembered the combination to the gate lock from the time they had to rescue Nevadelia Lotus Blossom when she fought a losing battle with a flotilla of Canada geese.)

"Quick Borax Boy, use this!" Tea Tree Girl thrust a spray bottle into his hands, and he began to douse himself with citrus-y mist. "It's grapefruit seed extract. Mold hates grapefruit. It will protect you."

"What's in that other bottle?" Borax Boy asked, pointing to her other hand.

"That's pure vinegar. It's a last resort. I'd rather smell fresh fruit all night than rotted fruit, wouldn't you?"

"You betcha!"

On our sweetly-scented superheroes raced down the dock, growing ever closer to the deadly mold. "There it is!" Tea Tree Girl gasped, pointing to the Cruise-a-Home in slip #9, which seemed to be spewing a black sludge into the humid air. The smell of mildew was overpowering. "It's coming from inside the S.S. Octopus of Loooove!"

Borax Boy took out his magic box cutter knife and sliced open the glass windows so they could jump inside the boat. In the aft stateroom, a long history of water damage told its tale.

Damp wood around the windows was soggy and stank of wood rot. But it appeared that the heart of the mold was coming from somewhere else. The old ceiling panels quivered and rumbled, the decades of watermarks spreading across its surface like a seismic map. The ceiling was the obvious culprit. "It's time for action, Tea Tree -- are you ready?" Tea Tree Girl pulled out her secret weapon from her organic cotton bag and held it at arms length. Borax Boy pulled his messenger bag closer to his hip, so his ammunition was easily within reach.

"GO!" yelled Borax Boy, thrusting his knife into the ceiling and running down the length of the room, leaving a wake of vinyl and styrofoam behind him. Under the impaled celing lay the source of the city's angst and their true archrival: MOLD! It had festered in the damp wood and spread throughout the S.S. Octopus of Love, contaminating the air and furniture.

Tea Tree Girl opened fire with her 5-gallon Super Soaker water gun full of tea tree oil, and let that mold have it. The tea tree oil killed the mold on contact, and the air was filled with the screams of a villain dying a painful death. "I'm sorry, Mold, but you're endangering the humans and animals of this household and the entire metropolitan Seattle area!"

By the time Tea Tree Girl had emptied the contents of her Super Soaker on the walls, ceiling, and floor of the boat, Borax Boy had neutralized the situation. That was when they found the citizens of the S.S. Octopus of Love cowering beneath the kitchen table. Kristin was very ill. She had a hacking cough and could barely breathe. Migraines and nausea immobilized her. She was so tired she could barely stand. "Here, drink this," Tea Tree Girl said softly, holding a glowing Nalgene bottle to Kristin's lips. "It's a superhero detoxifying smoothie of vitamin C, Enchinacea, and milk thistle. It will help you clear out the evil mold in no time!"

Borax Boy dusted the white powder from his jeans and addressed Steve, who was trying to contain Nevadelia Lotus Blossom, who desperately wanted to go back into the stateroom and lick tea tree oil off the walls. "So how did this all begin?" Borax Boy asked.

"Well," began Steve, "it was all very innocent -- we just wanted new floors. That's all. Just wanted to get rid of that terrible commercial carpeting and have a nice life�" he broke off in a coughing fit.

"So we tore out the carpeting," Kristin continued for him as Steve caught his breath, "and there was the wood rot from the leak in the ceiling. The water had been collecting above the ceiling for years, without anyone really knowing it. It got really bad when I started to Dremel the window frame and the dust flew into my eyes and throat."

"Mold likes dark, moist places, kids. The most important thing to do is fix any leaks to prevent more water from getting in, then kill the mold with the magic product Tea Tree Girl swears by, and keep it clean from there on out."

"Tea tree oil is an essential substance made from the leaves of the Australian tea tree, and it has natural antifungal, antibacterial and antiseptic properties. " Tea Tree Girl explained. "And be sure to detox your body," she added. "Mold taxes your respiratory and immune system terribly and can damage your liver!"

"Gee, thanks, Borax Boy and Tea Tree Girl," Kristin said gratefully. "You really saved our lives."

"Be sure to tell your friends and family about the dangers of mold," Borax Boy said.

"And the many practical, healthy uses for tea tree oil!" Tea Tree Girl finished.

As our superheroes left the S.S. Octopus of Love, Kristin and Steve waved after them. As they bounded back into the parking lot to the purple biodiesel Vespa and the 20 Mule Team, Borax Boy and Tea Tree Girl burst out laughing so hard they could barely breathe. Their giggles could be heard for miles. "Did you see the color of the wallpaper in that stateroom?!?!"

"I know!!! I can't believe looking at that didn't kill them first!!!"

************

Still shots from the scene of the crime: